“Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.” ~ Iridescent, Linkin Park
There are no words for how devastated my soul has felt the past few weeks. I feel like a dark shadow has been cast over most of my life with the memories of what my dad did.
Growing up, I told myself he was a good dad. That he loved his family, God, and church well. And in some ways, that’s true. He has always provided financially for his family and tried to make sure we had what we needed physically.
He definitely loves God and church. But his version of God sees people as needed to be fixed because they’re broken. His god says I’m going to hell because I’m gay. His god controls an says men like him should have all the power. His god turns men into power hungry. His god is wrapped in misogyny and coercion.
This God is so far removed from love and Jesus and what I feel left with is straight men who have made themselves into their own gods. What you’re left with are men.
Sometimes monsters are just men. Just men who think they’re gods…just men who sing sweet lullabies about Jesus to their daughters and then abuse them and torment them in their sleep.
Every time I walk into a church these days, I feel it–that power that seeks to destroy my autonomy. That power that denies that I’m fully human. that power that has devastated me for most of my life.
So, I’m praying for a resurrection–for healing that’s been a long time coming.
Processing this life long trauma for me has been like finding myself sitting in a house that’s burned down…
And sitting in the ashes and debris, trying to figure out how to re-build while the embers are still smoldering. The foundation of the house is still there…there are pieces still intact. But I’m going through the rubble trying to salvage things without accidentally setting myself or the house on fire again.
The beauty in this is getting to re-build. To start over again. It feels like once again a part of me has died, but that new life is coming up from that. Like a forest burned down so new growth can come.
The beauty in this is re-learning how to live. And finding great joy in being in love and enjoying life in the moment. Sometimes it means you have to stop and take a break. Because this walk is long but the journey is worth it.
Sometimes monsters are just men. And sometimes you beat them by rising from the dead to fight back. So, here’s to new beginnings and to fighting monsters.
“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”
~ After the Storm, Mumford & Sons