the way out is through

We’re going on a bear hunt:

I wish I had something beautiful to say after the election results. Mostly, just enjoying being able to breathe again and resume anxiety over the pandemic, debt, and systemic racism instead of just the election. It’s one less thing to worry about.

As it turns out, my brain cannot focus on anything in the aftermath of the election because I feel like I’m still recovering from being hyped up/anxious about the results. As it also turns out, COVID wouldn’t be the main reason I was struggling to focus on classes although that has definitely contributed. It feels like all those tabs in my brain need to be closed still before I can open anything new up and have space to work on papers.

The “feelings cycle” still needs to be completed. 

As it turns out, I am not done with my feelings about the election season. We have been harmed in numerous ways by the current administration and that harm and those feelings will not go away overnight. That is four years of trauma and pain and shit to recover from plus the generational trauma that led to it.

I just want to acknowledge that. Recovering from an abuser/oppressor while they’re still actively abusing and oppressing you but you’re almost free is hard. There’s a way out and a light at the end of the tunnel. But it’s going to be awhile before we can get off this ride. 

However, we can see the exits…we can see that there IS a way out but that way out is through. We’re still sitting in the shit but the way out is through. We will still have to get through this together and we are not alone. 

So, what’s next in this interim period? We keep fighting for change. The way out is through. Can’t climb over it, can’t go around it, we have to go through it.  The way out is through.

a better world


A Better World

Today, I have screamed, I have spontaneously burst into tears, I’ve cheered with random strangers in a parking lot. It feels like we can collectively take a deep breath again. But, the fight is not over. It has only just begun as we course correct from our journey down the path of fascism in this country. 

We are not done. I do not pledge allegiance to this country just because its new leader will be closer to my political alignment. I do however, pledge to seek that “liberty and justice for all” for those for whom it is not true right now and won’t be true even when a new president is inaugurated in January.

Our country is still steeped in white supremacy, police brutality, mass incarceration, disenfrachisement of poor people, Black and indigenous people of color, queer people, disabled people…

For now…there is hope that propels us towards a better world, but it does not come without a revolution. For now, we keep fighting like hell for a world that means the disenfranchised and marginalized are truly liberated. Keep fighting. We’re not done yet. Fight for that better world for tomorrow.

hope deffered

“Oh what a glorious morning! Makes me sick” – Hocus Pocus

I feel like a bundle of nerves today and I’ve been trying to stay as calm as possible with as much self care as possible. Showering, masturbating, walking, baking, puppy snuggles. Focusing is hard, though I’ve tried reading for class with some calming music in the background. That worked for a little while. But my brain feels stuck in 2016 with all the hope that then came crashing down around us. In many ways, it was traumatic. My mind and body remember. We remember. I am afraid to hope for a better world than this. Either nothing changes and it gets worse, or everything changes and maybe it gets better. That’s a big maybe. God, I hope I’m wrong. 

I really hope I’m wrong and that I am surprised by hope instead. I’m remembering a passage of Scripture and I can’t remember (or mentally blocked it out) where it comes from: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Of course, I have that memorized in King James English. I’m guessing it’s from Proverbs.

I would love for 2020 to give us something good for once. Having top surgery at the end of the year feels fitting. I get to leave my chest behind in this dumpster fire of a year. Whether it’s hope deferred or hope realized, the wheel keeps turning. That’s all I’ve got for today. In the end, we have each other, so hold on to one another.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”