coming up for air

“Just keep fighting. Just keep fighting.  That’s what I’m supposed to do. If I just keep fighting, just keep fighting, maybe I’ll believe it too.” ~ Prophecy Girl, Jenny Owen Youngs

“There is some goodness in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.” ~ Samwise Gamgee, from the film adaption of Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien

“Little things, all the stereotypes
They’re gonna help you get through this one night
And there will be a day
When you can say you’re okay and mean it.” ~ Dodie, Secret for the Mad

My dear friends,

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written, so I have LOTS of life updates for you. The first of which I’ll focus on the most because I GOT MARRIED. Tomorrow it’ll be three weeks and I’m still having moments where it dawns on me that I’m married.

Just an excerpt from the morning of my wedding when I sat down to write in the few moments of quiet I had:

My stomach is all in knots–not because something bad is happening, but because something good is. Something very good. I get to marry the best person I know. She is kind and loving, she is hilarious and smart, she is beautiful and she is strong. She is not perfect but she is perfect for me. And soon I get to call her my wife.

It was the perfect day surrounded by our chosen family and I couldn’t have asked for a better day. How does one describe the most beautiful, perfect day of one’s life so far? It was like watching a sunset with all my favorite people and getting to share my happiness with them. Many of whom my wife and I wouldn’t be here without.

 

It was a tiny bit of what I imagine heaven to be like. The kingdom of heaven is here–in all the conversations, the laughter, the music, the good food, flowing alcohol, and hugs. In seeing my wife in her wedding dress for the first time and not being able to breathe or stop smiling.

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There are not enough words. It was the perfect day filled to the brim with happiness. I had no idea I’d ever experience this much happiness. It’s great to be free at least to just be myself and enjoy being alive.

So, yeah, I got married, got a tattoo, and applied to seminary all in a few weeks time because I LOVE doing lots at once and then getting too overwhelming to write about it for a bit. I keep looking at pictures and grinning like an idiot or crying all over again because I’m so damn happy, y’all.

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When my wife tells me that I’m safe, that I’m loved, that I am good…I finally believe that’s true. And when she tells me to breathe now I have that permanently written on my arm using her handwriting.

“How long can you wait to. breathe. deep. How long can you stay underneath? It’s hard to believe but I know you’re heart still beats. Rise on up, baby. Don’t need eyes to see…

It ain’t over, love. This I swear. It ain’t over yet. The light’s right here. And we’re coming up for air.

End of the line. There’s. Still. Time. Listen to me, child. You’re. Alive.” ~ Coming up for Air, Signals in Smoke