“But wait, oh  wait. See how the morning breaks! It’s the simplest of love songs but it’s all our hearts can take. And though we lose our stake, heaven is where we make it. Even in the smallest places can a garden grow.” ~ Garden, Noah Gundersen

“come celebrate with me that everyday something has tried to kill me and has failed.” ~ lucille clifton, won’t you celebrate with me

It was the day after Mother’s Day when I had lunch with my mom and my sister. I am still recovering from that interaction, and I didn’t sleep much the night before. I had forgotten what it was like to have an entire day or even a week consumed by one interaction with my parents. This time, my mom needed me to know how much she and my dad were “grieving” and specifically how much my dad was hurting. I haven’t spoken to my dad since Thanksgiving.

When a parent decides to abuse their child, they don’t get to dictate how to make the child feel anymore. I am also tired of realizing the life I lived up until a couple years ago was so fucked up. I am glad I realize it and that I’m in a different place. It’s just a lot.

I received a message this past Saturday from a former “friend” from my old church who’s been talking to my father apparently. The body count of the Evangelical church is so damn high, it’s like they used the bodies to build their own Tower of Babel of ignoring how deadly their theology is to LGBTQ people. But sure, we’re the ones rebelling against God.

I am happy. For perhaps the first time ever, and let me tell you, if ever there was a time for homophobic bastards to come out of the woodwork, I guess it’s now. Reaching the point not of reconciling queerness with my own faith but figuring out how to explain and reconcile it with those who share my faith seems absolutely ridiculous now. I just don’t care anymore for the feelings of The Straights. My love for my wife is not a perversion–oh yeah, by the way, I have a wife. Because it’s two thousand fucking eighteen and you can love whoever the hell you want.

The walls of the house I grew up in used to scream with memories of what happened to me. Now that I’ve truly found a home that’s safe and have learned to love myself and others well, the walls aren’t screaming any more. I am not a perversion. I am a subversion of the systems that tried to destroy me. Not only is it time to bloom where I’m planted but it’s time to start flourishing.

And so the healing continues…

“Just keep fighting. Just keep fighting.  That’s what I’m supposed to do. If I just keep fighting, just keep fighting, maybe I’ll believe it too.” ~ Prophecy Girl, Jenny Owen Youngs

“There is some goodness in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.” ~ Samwise Gamgee, from the film adaption of Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien

“Little things, all the stereotypes
They’re gonna help you get through this one night
And there will be a day
When you can say you’re okay and mean it.” ~ Dodie, Secret for the Mad

My dear friends,

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written, so I have LOTS of life updates for you. The first of which I’ll focus on the most because I GOT MARRIED. Tomorrow it’ll be three weeks and I’m still having moments where it dawns on me that I’m married.

Just an excerpt from the morning of my wedding when I sat down to write in the few moments of quiet I had:

My stomach is all in knots–not because something bad is happening, but because something good is. Something very good. I get to marry the best person I know. She is kind and loving, she is hilarious and smart, she is beautiful and she is strong. She is not perfect but she is perfect for me. And soon I get to call her my wife.

It was the perfect day surrounded by our chosen family and I couldn’t have asked for a better day. How does one describe the most beautiful, perfect day of one’s life so far? It was like watching a sunset with all my favorite people and getting to share my happiness with them. Many of whom my wife and I wouldn’t be here without.

 

It was a tiny bit of what I imagine heaven to be like. The kingdom of heaven is here–in all the conversations, the laughter, the music, the good food, flowing alcohol, and hugs. In seeing my wife in her wedding dress for the first time and not being able to breathe or stop smiling.

There are not enough words. It was the perfect day filled to the brim with happiness. I had no idea I’d ever experience this much happiness. It’s great to be free at least to just be myself and enjoy being alive.

So, yeah, I got married, got a tattoo, and applied to seminary all in a few weeks time because I LOVE doing lots at once and then getting too overwhelming to write about it for a bit. I keep looking at pictures and grinning like an idiot or crying all over again because I’m so damn happy, y’all.

When my wife tells me that I’m safe, that I’m loved, that I am good…I finally believe that’s true. And when she tells me to breathe now I have that permanently written on my arm using her handwriting.

“How long can you wait to. breathe. deep. How long can you stay underneath? It’s hard to believe but I know you’re heart still beats. Rise on up, baby. Don’t need eyes to see…

It ain’t over, love. This I swear. It ain’t over yet. The light’s right here. And we’re coming up for air.

End of the line. There’s. Still. Time. Listen to me, child. You’re. Alive.” ~ Coming up for Air, Signals in Smoke