specks of dust (how to be real)


“If you’re lost and you’re lonely, go and figure out why. Take a trip to the dark side. Go and have a good cry. ‘Cause we’re all lonely. We’re all lonely together.

Leave what’s heavy, what’s heavy behind. Leave what’s heavy, what’s heavy behind.” ~ Heavy, Birdtalker

“To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.” ~ Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

“‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s the thing that happens to you…’ ‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit. ‘Sometimes, said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.'” ~ from The Velveteen Rabbit: Or How Toys Become Real

It is time to step out into the light and let it reveal the Real Me. It’s time to give my body a chance to become My Body–one I can feel me in. One I can feel safe in. I love this body but it doesn’t fully feel like me yet. It feels like living in a fixer upper and there needs to be some updates to make this body temple more functional.

It’s time to make some changes around here. Not immediately, but in the next few months at least. It started with finding an identity that fit the ever growing understanding of my gender. Then, we changed the pronouns. Now I’m working on a new name and seeking top surgery consultation in the next couple of months.

Life is too short not to live it fully as yourself.

A dear friend of mine told me that they dreamed I had my surgery, and they came to visit me. And I said: “I am in pain but I feel real.” So, I’m hanging my hat on that mantra right now. It sort of sums up the experience of being trans/non binary.

I am in pain but I feel real. Surely, if dream me can do it, I can do this. With all the support of my wonderful wife and a community of friends who are my chosen family.

This past weekend I was so stressed out and couldn’t figure out why. Finally, after talking it out with my wife, I realized it was because so many good changes were happening all at once. And that I needed to move forward with the next step. It’s good to know that I am not alone on the journey…but it feels suddenly so much more personal–so much more…real.

It feels like becoming myself. And that thought is terrifying. Constantly writing myself into existence like I’m writing a novel that I’m living out every day. We all do this in our own way, I suppose. Whether we’re physically writing it down or just out there living life to the fullest. Whatever your method, don’t forget this novel of your life is yours to live out. You shouldn’t let anything hold you back from becoming yourself.

Ironically, I’m processing this here in this space on Ash Wednesday–the day Christians around the world reflect on the brevity of life and how death is inevitable. Death is inevitable but don’t let this hold you back. Just keep it in perspective. Death is inevitable but you don’t have to be afraid. Changes are inevitable. But the risk of living is worth it to be real. 

Brene Brown in particular has a lot to say about being vulnerable and combatting shame. But this one line may have saved me: “If you own this story you get to write the ending…” (from Daring Greatly)

“We’re all stories in the end. Let’s make it a good one eh?” ~ The Doctor, Doctor Who, Season 6, Episode 4