Laugh so you don’t cry

I had planned on this being a lighter, more humorous post, but I’m not quite sure that’s the direction it will go. We’ll see 🙂
I have a hard time writing about happy things. It seems it’s easier to harp on pain and sadness, than happiness and good times. But I should work on that. I love to laugh. I love finding humor in everything–even the most tragic things.
This life is beautiful…and I love it. Even if it’s hard, I love it. And it’s so incredibly funny sometimes. It’s funny when a co-worker has to explain the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek to someone…the blank stare that ensued was priceless
It’s funny when I can’t remember things because I have short term memory issues, and it ends up being hilarious that I don’t know all the names of the Beatles.
It’s funny when my pet rabbit Neville becomes Thumper. Bambi makes so much more sense now. I guess Disney did their research. It’s adorable when a bunny yawns or licks my hand or does all manner of really adorable things.
Seriously though, having pets is the best. Having something living that depends on me and is so cute…Image081920151901111
So, for these positive things I am thankful. I am thankful for life. For my family. For my friends. I am thankful that I can write. I think if I stopped writing, I just might stop breathing. That’s mostly poetic, but it motivates me to get my thoughts out there even if no one ever reads what I write. I am thankful for laughter. It’s the music of the soul.

Wrecked Souls and Nostalgia

A few poems I’ve been working on…

Wrecked Soul

Please be gentle;
Please be kind
As you hold a wrecked soul like mine
And I will take
Your heart in my hands
I promise I will care for you always
Please be gentle;
Please be kind
As you hold a trembling soul like mine
And I will take
Your heart in my hands
I promise I will care for you always
If I could wrap my arms around the world
Just to keep you safe, I would
If I could wrap my arms around the world
Just to show I love you, I would
Had to split my heart into a hundred different pieces
Just to become who I am
Had to split my heart into a hundred different places
Just to be who I am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nostalgia.
Is that supposed to be a good thing?
Nostalgia.
To remember the good mixed with the bad?
A nightmare:
To remember your cologne–your smell on my clothes when I didn’t want it.
A nightmare:
To remember what it felt like for you to touch me when I didn’t want you to.
Nostalgia.
It could be the death of me to remember you
Nostalgia.
But I cannot forget that moment.

God sounds like a sadist sometimes

No, really. He does. And it scares me. When it comes to suffering in the world, I have a hard time believing it’s all God’s fault. I wrestle with the possibility that a good God is even remotely responsible for any of the war, famine, poverty, cancer, chronic illness, sexual assault–any pain out there surely can’t come from a God who is this great, holy, and just, good and loving Being.

But sometimes…it feels like we say things to make it all God’s fault even if we mean it in a positive way. “God is allowing this for a reason,” or “This is God’s will for you to go through this right now” are phrases that just rub me the wrong way.

Pain seems so…senseless. It rips open our worlds and turns everything upside down. And we always want someone to blame for it. I’ve researched various theological and philosophical works on theodicy and still I don’t have a well-formed opinion. It still bothers me that there’s a good God but suffering. I know…I know. He’s supposed to be good and it’s because of sin that we have the pain and suffering. But why doesn’t he stop it. Why…why can’t he stop this? I don’t understand. Just honestly tell me how this works, God.

I’m screaming at the sky

And I’m wondering why

You still care that i’m praying to you

How am I supposed to believe

That you’re anything more

Than a crutch to get me thru

So I clench my fists

And turn away from You

But not before You say

You can run away

And You can hate me

If you want to

You can scream my name

And curse Me to my face

But I still love You

And I will go thru this pain with You.