hope deffered

“Oh what a glorious morning! Makes me sick” – Hocus Pocus

I feel like a bundle of nerves today and I’ve been trying to stay as calm as possible with as much self care as possible. Showering, masturbating, walking, baking, puppy snuggles. Focusing is hard, though I’ve tried reading for class with some calming music in the background. That worked for a little while. But my brain feels stuck in 2016 with all the hope that then came crashing down around us. In many ways, it was traumatic. My mind and body remember. We remember. I am afraid to hope for a better world than this. Either nothing changes and it gets worse, or everything changes and maybe it gets better. That’s a big maybe. God, I hope I’m wrong. 

I really hope I’m wrong and that I am surprised by hope instead. I’m remembering a passage of Scripture and I can’t remember (or mentally blocked it out) where it comes from: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Of course, I have that memorized in King James English. I’m guessing it’s from Proverbs.

I would love for 2020 to give us something good for once. Having top surgery at the end of the year feels fitting. I get to leave my chest behind in this dumpster fire of a year. Whether it’s hope deferred or hope realized, the wheel keeps turning. That’s all I’ve got for today. In the end, we have each other, so hold on to one another.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” 

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