God sounds like a sadist sometimes

No, really. He does. And it scares me. When it comes to suffering in the world, I have a hard time believing it’s all God’s fault. I wrestle with the possibility that a good God is even remotely responsible for any of the war, famine, poverty, cancer, chronic illness, sexual assault–any pain out there surely can’t come from a God who is this great, holy, and just, good and loving Being.

But sometimes…it feels like we say things to make it all God’s fault even if we mean it in a positive way. “God is allowing this for a reason,” or “This is God’s will for you to go through this right now” are phrases that just rub me the wrong way.

Pain seems so…senseless. It rips open our worlds and turns everything upside down. And we always want someone to blame for it. I’ve researched various theological and philosophical works on theodicy and still I don’t have a well-formed opinion. It still bothers me that there’s a good God but suffering. I know…I know. He’s supposed to be good and it’s because of sin that we have the pain and suffering. But why doesn’t he stop it. Why…why can’t he stop this? I don’t understand. Just honestly tell me how this works, God.

I’m screaming at the sky

And I’m wondering why

You still care that i’m praying to you

How am I supposed to believe

That you’re anything more

Than a crutch to get me thru

So I clench my fists

And turn away from You

But not before You say

You can run away

And You can hate me

If you want to

You can scream my name

And curse Me to my face

But I still love You

And I will go thru this pain with You.

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